EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Original story by our own Daniel Meyer
This was hijacked from another site. I tweeked it to fit the VTX. Long read but funny.

EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonsai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and on amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a VTX can only have one result.

Torque. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of .so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge Chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

Badmoon,

I read it a couple of years ago.....great story. Never gets to where it's not still funny every time I read it.....Bwwhahahahahaha


..............bobby

.

Hmmm....just so happens I...ur...know the author of that piece...

Hey!! Look over THERE->

Daniel Meyer wrote:Hmmm....just so happens I...ur...know the author of that piece...

Hey!! Look over THERE->

Hijacked & Shanghi'ed

Daniel Meyer wrote:Hmmm....just so happens I...ur...know the author of that piece...

Hey!! Look over THERE->

Who the MAN...........YOU da' man! Thanks, Daniel....written by one of our own!


...............bobby


.

twin1300 wrote:

Daniel Meyer wrote:Hmmm....just so happens I...ur...know the author of that piece...

Hey!! Look over THERE->

Who the MAN...........YOU da' man! Thanks, Daniel....written by one of our own!


...............bobby


.

Daniel after an encounter like that I dont know if I would .....
A. Become an avid squirrel hunter
B. Stay the hell out of the woods, theres crazy squirrel in there
C. Keep on riding and forgetta'boutit.

Hope you did take offence to that. I was not trying to take anything away from you by doing so. I changed it to mess with a friend of mine a while back. That is the funniest story I have read in a long time. If you would like I will take it off of put it back the way it was.
Thanks for it tho. I love it. Still laughin.

Peace.

I edited the original post to give credit to Daniel Meyer. This is an often hyjacked story of his. I know for a fact it has been posted as an original writing by a plagerist (sp/word?) From what I have read and seen of Daniel he just asks that credit be given where due. That being said.............For more of his great stories go to www.lifeisaroad.com order the books directly from the author. Promise you they are a good read and you won't be disapointed.



See you out there
Smokey

Thank you Smokey.
I still have not figgured out my way to navigate around fully just yet. I had intended to fix it when I got off work.
Dan W.
I am sincerly sorry for taking that from you. I am not the kind of person that does this type of thing. I pride myself for being a good honest person and I am disappointed by my own actions.
Please forgive me.

Moon

badmoon wrote:Thank you Smokey.
I still have not figgured out my way to navigate around fully just yet. I had intended to fix it when I got off work.
Dan W.
I am sincerly sorry for taking that from you. I am not the kind of person that does this type of thing. I pride myself for being a good honest person and I am disappointed by my own actions.
Please forgive me.

Moon

Stand up thing you did, badmoon! Takes character and men and women with honor to admit mistakes, cause we ALL make them from time to time and that's unfortunately how we learn things. Thanks....Glad to have you here.

That's what it takes to make a great forum. I know others think it's numbers, but it's the men and women on here that make it great....not the amount of people.

...........bobby

.

badmoon wrote:Thank you Smokey.
I still have not figgured out my way to navigate around fully just yet. I had intended to fix it when I got off work.
Dan W.
I am sincerly sorry for taking that from you. I am not the kind of person that does this type of thing. I pride myself for being a good honest person and I am disappointed by my own actions.
Please forgive me.

Moon

Hey Moon,

No sweat...I just prefer my stuff to be linked, or at least posted with credit. How else am I gonna be a uber-rich author with plans of world domination?

This story has been WIDELY circulated and emailed all over the place...I understand how it gets around without proper credit.

You my friend are The Man. I am looking forward to getting your books. Least I could do. I enjoyed that story above so much. I still laugh my fool head off every time.

Thanks for the forgivness and the great stories, and Yes I will link my next post of yours without the changes. He he he.

Peace to you and yours.
Moon

That was a great story. I've never read it before. You're the man Daniel!