5 affairs

> The 1st Affair
>
>
> A married man was having an affair
> with his secretary.
>
> One day they went to her place
> and made love all afternoon.
>
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
> and woke up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed
> and told his lover to take his shoes
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
> He put on his shoes and drove home..
>
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
>
> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon.'
>
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
> 'You lying bastard!
> You've been playing golf!'
>
>
> The 2nd Affair
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
> but always talked about having a son.
>
> They decided to try one last time
> for the son they always wanted.
>
> The wife got pregnant
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> to see his new son.
>
> He was horrified at the ugliest child
> he had ever seen.
>
> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
> be the father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> 'No, not this time!'
>
>
>
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
>
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> about to be cremated,
> and made a startling discovery.
> Schwartz had the largest private part
> he had ever seen!
>
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
> with such an impressive private part.
> It must be saved for posterity.'
>
> So, he removed it,
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home.
>
> 'I have something to show
> you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
> opening his briefcase.
>
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
> 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover
> when she heard her husband
> opening the front door.
>
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'
> she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
>
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired
> as he entered the room.
>
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
> 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
> so I got one for us, too.'
>
> No more was said,
> not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> went to the kitchen and returned
> with a sandwich and a beer.
>
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
>
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe,
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
> and a bottle of wine?'
>
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>
> The bartender replied:
> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
> with your wife?'
>
> The bartender replied:
> 'The same thing I'm doing
> to his business down here.'

that's funny , Uncle Jerry, You know a good joke when you steel it.