Mandatory Retirement

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress and the Obama Administration have decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.


This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).


These programs will be administered by a special czar, appointed by the President.

This position will be the Special Commisioner of Administrative Bureaucracies, or the SCAB.

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Scab deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the SCAB.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The SCAB will be salaried based on the amount of SHIT he gives our citizens. Consequently, he/she will be the highest paid employee in America.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of the SCAB, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)